Remembering the ‘Human’ in LGBTQIA+
Growing up as a black, gay man in South Africa for me was never exciting or colourful — and it was not an experience to cherish and remember. There are very limited platforms open for conversations about LGBTQIA+ stories and experiences. So, I hope that by sharing my story, I can resonate with someone else in a similar position, or help others understand more about what it’s like to grow up in a society that thought I was not ‘normal’.
I’ll explore what I’ve learned about surviving ill-treatment, and what made me stronger by deep diving into:
- The constant oppression and exclusion,
- Expectations rather than understanding, and
- The importance of loving and understanding your queer self.
My name is Siya Velelo, I am a marketing intern at Khwela Womxn in South Africa and I am a member of the LGBTQIA+ community. But the most important thing, before I belong to any community, is that I am a human being who is equal to any other human being.
I’ve been gay for as long as I can remember. Growing up as a young, black, gay man, I was never able to enjoy being me or to live my truth without constantly checking over my shoulder or dimming my light to please other people’s needs. This meant that I spent my childhood confused and scared, living under the stress of heterosexual standards — telling me how I should behave, dress up, and even how I should walk and speak as a man.
The constant oppression and exclusion
When I grew up I was made to believe that being gay was not normal: it was seen as a sin and a disgrace to my family and society. When walking around in my area, there were some places that I just couldn’t pass through. If I did, I was teased — they threw words like stones to hurt me like, “You do not deserve to live” or “You cannot be ‘normal’ if you are gay”.
At church, I experienced segregation to a point where I believed that God never loved me because they said being gay “is a sin”. At school, I never knew where to go because I couldn’t chill with the boys, as I was ”too feminine” for them, or otherwise, they’d tease me or make me uncomfortable. As much as I wanted to chill with the girls, because I could relate more to them to some extent, I couldn’t. If I did, the boys would find me and make fun of me.
What made things worse, was that I never saw any representation of LGBTQIA+ individuals in the South African media. There were no stories that were told about people like me to show the rest of SA that being gay is legal and normal — in the same way that any other person’s story would be shared in the media. The only stories that I heard were scary: “A gay person was murdered or brutally attacked”. Those experiences made me hate being gay. I hated myself because I couldn’t fit in, no matter how much or hard I tried, instead I’d just feel lost and incomplete. I longed for a change: to fit in and to live under the same standards that heterosexual people enjoy.
My experience growing up was distasteful and so uncomfortable because I started working so hard to fit in:
- I dated girls because I was trying to hide the fact that I was gay.
- I couldn’t chill with my girl friends because I would be a laughing stock and a “Sissy”.
- I acted in an unnatural way to hide my femininity. It was the only way out of being teased and called names as well as avoiding accusations that I was gay.
- I never wanted to be close to gay people because I was in denial; I didn’t want to see anyone who was going to remind me of the real Siya. Seeing a feminine guy or a gay person always reminded me that I was living a lie.
The confusion drove me to a dark place where I believed being gay wasn’t normal and I hated myself because I knew I was gay.
I lived the lie just to please other people until my body, soul, and brain couldn’t take it anymore. Acting straight drained me physically, emotionally, and mentally, so I decided to come out of the uncomfortable “closet” I was hiding in and try to live my life. Still, it was so challenging: there was no representation, only hate. And each and every day I kept seeing stories that one of us had been killed or assaulted. But this time I couldn’t go back and hide, but rather chose to use my voice to be strong and stand firm for those who couldn’t; for those brothers and sisters, we lost in the hands of homophobes. I always remind myself that I have a right to be angry, I have a right to be sensitive, but I have a big responsibility to live my truth to the fullest.
Expectations rather than understanding
I’ve felt like I constantly have to live up to the expectations placed on me by members of the heterosexual community. Since I am a member of the LGBTQIA+ community, I’ve had people expect me to:
- Constantly explain why I am homosexual,
- Come out of the closet, and even
- Incorrectly assume that I want to be a woman.
“Straight” people do not come out as straight. So I wondered why I was expected to come out? As a gay man, I realised that I do not need to be “accepted”, and I have taught myself not to live according to any expectations from any other person. Now I always tell myself that, as a gay man, there is no way I will ever explain myself to anyone ever again because I am allowed to be who I am just like everybody else! But I also think that it is important to educate those who are willing to learn and understand me as a human being.
I am normal! Normal people do not need to be “accepted” because they are understood.
People need to understand that, before belonging to a certain community, we are all equal as human beings. And it is important to relinquish any unfair expectations towards the LGBTQIA+ community and, in the same way, education must be given to those who are willing to learn and unlearn.
The importance of loving and understanding your queer self
Self-acceptance is vital, and avoiding the need to be accepted by others saved me from disappointments and hurt. Learning to understand and accept myself this way is the best gift that I’ve ever given to myself. I knew there was so much in life to enjoy and live for, such as being who I am and loving myself unconditionally.
There will always be opinions from other people, but I must be firm enough for them not to shake me. The fact that I was born is a gift from God and no one can take that away. Gifts are there to be celebrated. I chose to celebrate my life every day because I am as normal as any other person.
Remember that being homosexual is more than the community we have been boxed into it is more than Pride Month, it is more than LGBTQIA+, it is more than the rainbow colours. It’s about understanding that, at the base of it all, we are all human beings.
Finding your way out from any dark place is the best thing you could do for yourself. Healing brings happiness, peace and glow. We all have the power to make a change, we all have gifted voices, but it is up to us how we choose to use them. I hope my story will inspire those who believe in being free to educate those who are willing to learn. Remember, every storm in your life is followed by a rainbow.
